


Vow

by Usui



Category: Togainu no Chi
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, M/M, Memories, Post-Game(s), Post-Good Ending (Smile For Me)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25251064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Usui/pseuds/Usui
Summary: In which Rin realises that finding Akira is not the end of the story.
Relationships: Akira/Rin (Togainu no Chi)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Vow

“We can go to my place.”

Akira’s words were simple but it still took a while for Rin to fully comprehend them. To understand that this was actually real, was really happening. That he had finally found Akira again after all this time.

He had shown up at the Blaster match hoping to find him - a combination of not knowing where else to start and clinging on to what he already knew about Akira and still hoped to be true. Turned out he was right.

With Akira leading the way they walked in silence, the only sounds were those from the thinning crowds around them. Rin looked at Akira, who was walking slightly ahead of him. He had Shiki’s sword hanging over his shoulder and Rin figured it must look odd to people passing by, but to him it looked perfect. He had been picturing this moment since he left Toshima, but the reality was indescribable.

Rin lost track of how long they were walking for - could have been five minutes or five hours, but Akira eventually came to a stop outside of a high rise apartment block.

“We’re here” Akira said.

After a short elevator ride, Akira was leading him down a hallway and eventually unlocking the door to his apartment, letting them both in. Rin crossed the threshold, observing his surroundings. Akira’s apartment was small - two seater sofa, a dining table, and a kitchenette. Looked like a one-bedroom. It was neat, but not in a ‘my home is my sanctuary’ kind of way, more in a barely-lived in kind of way. He wasn’t surprised. This kind of plain, modest place suited Akira.

Considering the fact that Akira hadn’t even managed to keep hold of a backpack for more than a few days in Toshima though, it was amazing to see that he actually had a stable roof over his head. It was a lot more than Rin could say for himself.

“Nice place. It suits you.” Rin said.

“Hmm” Akira mused.

Neither spoke for a few seconds, silence seeming to fill the whole apartment. Rin stole another glance at Akira, he was finding it difficult to keep his eyes off of him. He couldn't believe how much Akira had changed. He had substantially stayed the same but regular meals and sleep had clearly given his skin a healthy glow that he certainly hadn't possessed in Toshima.

It wasn't just his looks though. It was the way he carried himself. Gone was the strained and alert energy Akira had possessed the whole time he had known him. This Akira was deliberate, moving at his own pace. He seemed to have a quiet confidence that Rin hadn’t seen before.

“Oh, you can put your stuff down here” Akira said, gesturing to a coat rack that had previously gone unnoticed by Rin.

Rin shrugged off his jacket and tried not to look as Akira gingerly rested the katana against the wall as he removed his own jacket. Akira reached out to him and Rin handed him his things with a barely intelligible thank you. As Akira hung things up, Rin wandered into the middle of the room idly.

“My bedroom is over there” Akira said when he was done, tilting his head in the direction of the room. “You can sleep in there. I’ll take the sofa.”

Akira’s tone was neutral but he didn’t quite meet Rin’s eyes.

Rin’s heart sank at Akira’s words. Akira had already given him a much warmer welcome than he knew he deserved. It was ridiculous to think that they would jump into bed together immediately - they were practically strangers at this point. He knew he should just be grateful that Akira was being nice to him, and was letting him stay, even after everything he’d put him through.

But he wasn’t.

For the first time he felt uneasy. In reality he had no idea how Akira truly felt about him. Not anymore. It had been so long since they had last seen each other, so long since he had made that promise. What if Akira’s feelings had changed in that time?

Getting back to Akira was the only thing that had kept him going since he left Toshima. The only reason he had to get up and keep trying each day. The only respite from the guilt and grief that weighed on him practically every waking moment.

Akira was right in front of him now, but he wasn’t a symbol of hope, he was a person. People didn’t just stay the same after that length of time, especially considering everything Akira went through in Toshima and since the war. Not that Rin actually had any idea of what Akira had been through since the war. All he knew was that Akira had been left to face everything alone. By him.

“You okay?” Akira asked suddenly, jolting Rin from his thoughts.

Rin blinked at him, unsure of how to respond. He was in front of Akira but he had no idea what to say, no idea how to treat him. Should he treat him like a friend? A boyfriend? What was he to him at this point?

Rin felt a mounting pressure to say something, anything. Anything to break the tension between them, the sinking feeling he had in his stomach.

"I can't remember the last time I saw a fridge" Rin settled on eventually.

It was inadequate, but it was a start.

Akira gave him a small smile, the first since they had reunited. Rin wondered whether he had ever actually seen Akira smile before. His heartbeat quickened in his chest. He wondered when he would get the chance to see it again.

*

Akira let Rin take a shower first, for which he was grateful. It had been a long time since he had access to hot, running water. As he sat on the edge of the bathtub carefully removing his prosthetic, he wondered what was going through Akira's mind. He had always found it hard to read Akira, harder than he had let on. Akira was loyal, he had certainly proven that, but Rin couldn't help but wonder if he was really still what Akira wanted after all this time.

He didn't know how long he spent in the shower, savouring the warmth, the privacy. The opportunity to be completely unguarded. Vulnerability was not something he was accustomed to. As he got out, Rin took Akira's towel off the railing, vaguely hoping that he actually had a spare. He wondered whether anyone else had stayed at Akira's apartment before, whether he had a guest towel but he forced the idea out of his mind. The last thing he needed to do right now was get sucked down that hole.

Rin dried off, changed back into his clothes and made his way into Akira's room. He glanced at the sofa as he went past. Akira was reading something and didn't look up. It was jarring to see, Rin had never had Akira pegged as much of a reader, but what did he know at this point. Rin moved tentatively, quietly turning Akira's door handle so he could slip in, before closing the door behind him.

There wasn’t much to see in Akira’s room. A slightly smaller than double bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers. Rin questioned if there was even anything in them. He looked around the room, wondering what Akira had done with the katana. He had seen him going back to the coat rack before he went into the bathroom. He supposed Akira must have put it somewhere out of sight. He didn't want to know where, it was a relief to not have to see it anymore. It meant a lot to him that Akira had accepted it. He couldn’t tell what Akira thought but hoped that him accepting it meant that Akira understood what he had been trying to convey.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands. His whole body felt tense. He couldn't believe he was here, that he was actually sitting on Akira's bed after all this time. There were so many things he wanted to say to Akira, so many things he wanted to ask. He had pictured their first conversation more times than he could remember, but he had never really given much thought to what would come next.

A sudden knock on the door made Rin jolt instinctively. He called out to Akira to come in and Akira entered quietly.

“You shouldn’t really have to knock to come into your own room" Rin said, straightening up.

Akira shrugged casually.

"I don’t mind. I just need to get some stuff."

Rin just nodded and Akira turned his attention to the wardrobe, rummaging around for a little while before pulling out a few spare bedsheets. Rin watched him, his nerves frayed. He hoped that Akira wasn’t picking up on how anxious he was. Ater getting what he needed, Akira started to edge towards the door.

"Let me know if you need anything" Akira said, turning back to face him.

"Oh no, I'm fine. I think I’ve got everything” Rin said. He took a deep breath before continuing.

"Um. Thank you for this."

"It's fine."

"It's not. Not really. But thank you."

Akira shifted uncomfortably and Rin felt a pang of longing. He didn't want Akira to leave, at least not so soon. A large part of him wanted to ask Akira to stay but he couldn’t quite bring himself to. It was the kind of thing he would have done in a heartbeat when he was younger but things were different now. He wasn't bold enough. Not anymore. Instead he settled on a smile.

"Goodnight then."

"Night" Akira nodded.

The silence weighed heavily in the room the moment Akira left. Rin flopped backwards onto the bed with a sigh. He could hear Akira moving around in the front room, but even those sounds ceased after a while. It was a few more hours before Rin finally managed to fall asleep.

*

The first few days staying in Akira’s apartment went by in a sort of blur. Rin spent a lot of the time asleep. After keeping it at bay with nothing but adrenaline and determination, his fatigue seemed to have finally caught up with him. Part of him was annoyed as he was missing out on spending time with Akira, but he figured that for the first time he could say there was more where that came from. Or at least so he hoped.

After a couple of days, Akira had to go to work. He was a trainee systems analyst for a small tech company. Apparently Motomi had pulled some strings to get him an interview for an entry level position a while back and he had worked his way up. It was a far cry from the old Akira who never seemed to spend more than a few hours indoors to be working in an office, but Rin thought it suited him in a weird way. Any job that didn't require vibrant communication skills would likely have suited him.

On his first day back in, Akira left Rin his key so he could come and go as he pleased during the day. It seemed unbelievable to Rin that Akira could still be so trusting after all these years. It should have been a good thing but the fact that Akira still had so much faith in him made Rin feel even more guilty. It would almost have been easier if Akira was angry with him, then maybe Rin wouldn't feel as selfish as he did.

He had always been a taker. Not with material things - they didn’t mean much to him. In fact he had often been described as generous. It was the things that mattered to him. Time. Attention. Affection. Rin had spent his whole life craving these things, first from his parents, then Shiki. His teammates. Kazui. Then Akira.

Akira had given him everything back then, but he hadn’t been able to do the same. He knew that he hadn’t even come close. All he had left Akira with was the uncertainty and pain of not knowing if they would see each other again. The regret of not being able to stop him from leaving.

Akira hadn’t said anything but he could see it in the way he looked at him sometimes. His eyes lingering on the way Rin’s left foot didn’t always move as quickly as his right when he sat down. Even though Akira understood why he had to, at least part of him regretted letting Rin leave that day.

In some ways, Rin couldn’t blame him. They had lost five years because of it. Rin knew that if he had left with Akira back then he wouldn’t still love him the way he did now. Akira did seem to understand that for the most part but he hated the fact that Akira blamed himself in any way.

Rin knew that just by staying in Akira’s apartment he was being a hypocrite. He worried so much about taking from Akira, but here he was doing it all over again. The teenage Rin would never have had an issue with it. In fact, he would already be considering this his home. Trying to charm Akira until he was so distracted, he wouldn’t even question him moving in. However, his sense of entitlement and bravado had diminished with age. It was both a good and bad thing.

One evening the pair sat opposite each other at Akira’s dining table, eating tofu udon, which Rin had been excited about. All cooked food excited him. Hot meals had been few and far between for as long as he could remember. Akira was characteristically quiet, but tonight Rin was as well, the worries of the last few days having finally caught up to him.

“So how long have you been living here?” Rin asked, hoping to break the ice.

“About two years now. I work pretty near here so it's convenient.”

“So the old man’s been taking care of you?”

“Yeah. He looks out for me. He has been the whole time.”

“How often do you hear from him?”

“Once in a while. He actually called me for the first time in a while right before you found me.”

“He must have sensed me coming” Rin said with a smile. “I should call him and thank him for taking care of you for me.”

Akira blinked slowly and he looked down, busying himself with his noodles. Rin’s smile grew wider.

The feeling didn’t last though. His heart pounded in his chest as he tried to work up the courage to broach the subject of their living situation. He considered just avoiding it for a few more days. After all, Akira hadn't complained and it would buy him some time.

He dismissed the thought from his mind almost as soon as it came. Waiting would only make him feel worse. Besides, he owed it to Akira to actually let him express his opinion without forcing himself on him. It was the least he could do.

“I guess I should think about getting a job soon. And sort out where I’m going to be living” Rin said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Akira looked at him sharply and Rin felt his heart pound in his chest. The silence seemed to stretch on forever.

“You're not staying here?” Akira asked eventually.

"I wasn't sure if that would be an option" Rin admitted.

“It is. Unless you want to leave?” Akira asked, a crease appearing between his eyebrows.

“No, I don’t. Of course I don’t” Rin said, letting out a small, relieved sigh. “I want to be with you. I’m never leaving you again.”

“Okay then” Akira said, nodding, as if that settled everything.

Maybe it did.

Rin smiled to himself and turned his attention back to his noodles. They seemed even more exciting now.

*

Things were going well with Akira. Better than Rin had feared they would when he first arrived. It had been easier than he thought, slotting into Akira's life. After being alone for so long, he had wondered whether it would be a struggle to adjust to having someone around him all the time, but it felt natural. Like how things were supposed to be.

Despite this, there was still something weighing on Rin’s mind that he couldn’t shake off. He knew that he had absolutely no right to know, it wasn’t really any of his business at this point. They hadn’t been together for years and they were together now. That should have been all that mattered. But old habits die hard and Rin was just as possessive as he always had been.

The pair sat side by side on the sofa after dinner one night. Rin glanced at Akira, who was reading something on his phone - Rin couldn’t quite tell what. It didn’t really matter considering the fact Rin was about to disrupt him regardless.

“You haven’t cheated on me have you?”

The words slipped out before Rin could control them. It wasn’t how he had intended to broach this subject. He knew very well that it was coming out of nowhere and even worse, he knew exactly how childish it sounded. He felt a pang of guilt, but he knew he could never have helped himself. Respecting people’s boundaries had never been his strong suit.

Akira looked at him, slightly confused and Rin felt another stab of guilt. He locked his phone and left in his lap, giving Rin his full attention.

“Cheated on you?”

Rin responded with a forced smile.

“Come on, we both know you could have anyone you wanted. And you must have gotten lonely at some point in five years.”

Rin’s tone was light, playful but in reality he felt anything but. On the inside he was on tenterhooks, desperate to hear Akira’s response. He watched as Akira’s expression shifted from one of slight confusion to understanding as the meaning behind Rin’s words sank in.

Akira was only silent for a few seconds after Rin spoke, but it was long enough for Rin’s stomach to start twisting into knots. He knew that Akira’s answer shouldn’t bother him either way but he couldn’t help it.

“I don’t want anyone else. I never have” Akira replied.

“So you mean you haven’t-”

“Just with you.”

Relief washed over Rin after hearing Akira’s reply. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of him - he had been dreading the moment he would have to broach the subject almost as much as he dreaded hearing Akira’s response. The tension he had been unwittingly carrying in his body started to ease.

“What about you?” Akira asked.

Rin couldn’t tell for sure whether Akira was truly concerned or if he had asked just because Rin had. Either way he wanted to give Akira as honest a response as he could. He knew that he would never have the right words to express to Akira what he meant to him, but he wanted to start somewhere.

“I’ve thought about you every day since I left. I could never even look at anyone else.”

Akira said nothing, avoiding Rin’s eyes as he always did when he was embarrassed. For the first time, Rin was starting to feel secure. Akira may have changed in some ways, but he was still the person who Rin had met in Toshima. The person he loved.

The relief was punctuated with darker feelings as the guilt started to creep in once again. Akira had been left waiting for him all this time, his life on hold. Because of him. Rin had done what he needed in order to pursue a life with Akira but it had hurt both of them deeply. He couldn’t deny that. Rin knew that he owed it both of them to try and to make up for the lost time. Even if it wasn’t possible, he would still have to try. For the years that he and Akira had both been denied.

He reached out to grab Akira’s hand, surprising them both. Akira flinched at first, startled by the sudden contact. He softened before long and Rin laced his fingers through Akira’s. Akira turned his attention to him once again and Rin met his gaze intently.

“Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for not giving up on me. I’m...I’m sorry it took so long.”

Rin felt a lump form in his throat as he tried to speak and he swallowed hard, trying to get rid of it. The backs of his eyes prickled with tears.

“I wouldn’t have given up.” Akira responded.

Rin let out a shaky breath and the tears he had been fighting for days, weeks, maybe even years rushed to the surface and spilled out. Akira’s words were simple but to him the affirmation was all that he had needed. Akira had accepted him, once again. Rin sobbed, clutching onto Akira’s arm and burying his face in the crook of his neck.

Part of him felt self conscious but he was beyond the point of being able to control it. Akira wrapped his arm around him and held him, saying nothing. Rin appreciated the silence. He didn’t know how long they sat there, Akira holding onto him. Long enough for his sobs to become quiet tears and finally cease. Long enough for his tears to dry on their own.

*

After a couple of months of searching, Rin managed to find himself a job in a cafe, a twenty minute walk from Akira’s apartment. Akira had told him not to worry about it, that he had enough for both of them, but being idle wasn’t in his nature. The job wasn’t overly difficult. It was a fairly small place but it had a high turnover of customers. Rin didn't mind though. He liked being busy.

It took him a lot longer than he let on to his co-workers to adjust to the constant sounds and movement. To get used to meeting people for the first time and not instantly sizing them up, making a snap judgement of whether they were a friend or foe. To stop constantly looking over his shoulder, permanently on alert.

Everything about it was new for him. He struggled to actually think of a time when he had been in a sociable, relaxed environment. When he had earned money legally. When he had a fixed timetable. When his life had been any semblance of normal. He wasn't even sure he really knew what that meant. But he figured he was on the right track.

He had never thought of himself as the type to settle down with an ordinary job, but telling Akira about his first paycheck left him with a sense of pride he never expected to feel.

One Saturday afternoon, Rin and Akira decided to go for a walk. From his timetable, Rin had seen that he wouldn’t have a Saturday off for a while, so he wanted to make the most of it. Akira was pretty far away from any green spaces, but Rin liked walking through the quieter back streets just as much. It was what he was used to. After walking for a while they paused and Rin perched on a low wall surrounding an apartment block. Akira took a spot next to him.

Rin stretched and looked up at the sky and the light scattering of clouds. It was warm with a gentle breeze. The endless background hum of the city always made him feel at ease. It was in stark contrast to the uneasy, unnatural silence of Toshima.

“Enjoy me while you have me today, I don’t have another Saturday off for a month.” Rin said with a sigh, leaning backwards on his hands.

“Have you gotten busier?”

“One of the guys is going part time, so the rest of us are covering his shifts.”

“Ah right.”

“It’s not so bad though. Weekends are double pay. If I start saving, maybe we can find a bigger place someday.”

“I don’t really mind. But I guess the space would be good” Akira responded.

“So speaking of space, how long are we gonna keep taking turns sleeping on the couch?” Rin asked coyly.

Rin cast a sidelong glance at Akira as he said that, watching for his reaction. He was happy with the way things were with Akira, but so far, it had felt like a friendship and Rin wanted more. He was well aware of the fact that he was probably being selfish, but he couldn’t help it. He still wanted Akira just as much as he used to. Maybe more.

Five years ago, he would have jumped on Akira at the first given opportunity. As a teenager, he had needed physical contact as validation. Sex had given him security in the past, a way to see that Akira truly meant all the things he promised him. That he genuinely cared about him the way he said he did. He had figured that Akira could lie with his words but not with his body. Rin didn’t need that anymore. Having Akira accept him back into his life had been evidence enough.

He reached out and stroked the side of Akira’s face gently. Akira blinked at him, slightly flustered. Rin smiled to himself, Akira seemed just as innocent now as he had back then. Totally oblivious to the effect that he had on Rin.

Rin leaned in slowly, smiling at the way Akira's eyes fluttered closed automatically as he did. He bumped his nose gently against Akira's and pulled away, amused by the confused look that spread across Akira's face as he opened his eyes.

"What? Were you expecting something else?" he asked, unable to hide his smile.

Akira shot him a look that drew a sudden laugh out of Rin. The sound of his laugh felt foreign even to him, but that if anything, only made him laugh harder.

Akira looked at him silently but Rin knew him well enough to know that he was content. As his laughter subsided into an amused chuckle, he reached out to touch Akira's face once again. He played with a loose strand of Akira's hair and tucked it behind his ear before leaning in for a chaste kiss. Rin felt a kaleidoscope of butterflies flit through his stomach as Akira took a hold of him, pulling him in closer.

*

It was only a day after their first kiss that the pair agreed Akira should move back into his room permanently. Rin had been craving intimacy the entire time, but as much as he hated to admit it to himself, he was nervous. It was obvious the last time they’d been together that Akira was attracted to him, but Rin was painfully aware of the fact that a lot had changed since then.

Rin sat on the edge of the bed in his underwear, contemplating whether to remove his prosthetic. Any plans that he had to succumb to the throws of passion had gone thoroughly out of the window. He felt self conscious. It wasn't a feeling that he was used to.

He figured it must be strange for Akira too. Considering the fact that Akira had had sex exactly once in his life, under hardly the most romantic circumstances, Rin had wanted to make it special. To do something for Akira considering how much Akira always did for him. But here he was falling short again.

"Is something wrong?" Akira asked, sliding along the bed and sitting up, so they were side by side.

Rin swallowed before turning to Akira, meeting his eyes. His expression was neutral but his eyes were filled with concern. That almost made Rin feel worse. He was the one who had made the first move and now he was chickening out.

“Bet you never thought you would end up with a cyborg" Rin said eventually, trying and failing to keep his tone light.

He hated how pathetic it sounded, how pathetic he felt for even thinking it. It was shallow and vain and it was clear from the way Akira looked at him that he had seen through Rin’s feeble attempt to disguise his feelings as a joke.

Akira reached out, touching Rin’s arm.

“I don't see you any differently if that's what you're worried about. You're still Rin."

Akira said it in the same honest, straight forward way he always spoke in. It wasn't meant to be a compliment or meant to please Rin, it was just how Akira genuinely felt. And that felt better than any praise.

Rin took his time unfastening his prosthetic, excitement building in him as the seconds ticked by. Before Akira even had time to fully process what was happening, Rin was kissing him, pushing him backwards onto the bed.

~

Akira was far from the most romantic man that ever lived, but he certainly had his moments. It took Rin a while to start thinking that way, but once he had, he decided it was true. Rin loved how tactile Akira could be, the way he would map his hands across his body whenever they were intimate. It was as though he was savouring him. It made Rin feel wanted, desirable.

Sometimes Akira would randomly be struck with a burning intensity and pounce on him, pinning him down and pounding into him mercilessly until they were both covered in sweat, exhausted and undeniably happy.

He enjoyed watching Akira unravel like that, in stark contrast to how cool and collected he normally was. As amazing as it felt, Rin’s favourite part of these moments would be the immediate aftermath, when Akira grew suddenly bashful. It was the closest Akira could ever get to being called cute. Rin couldn't help but feel smug about the fact that he was the only one who had ever seen Akira like that, the only one who knew that side to him.

Rin wrapped his arms around Akira, pulling him in closer, and Akira gave in, resting his head on Rin’s chest.

“I love that you’re smaller than me now” Rin said happily, reaching to play with the ends of Akira’s hair.

“Hmm.”

“What’s wrong? Did I embarrass you?”

“Not really.”

“You’re no fun at all, you know that?”

Akira shrugged and Rin saw his eyes close gently. He stroked Akira’s cheek lightly before wrapping his arm around him once more, chest swelling with affection. Time passed and the pair lay there in comfortable silence. A thought crossed Rin’s mind, one he had before but had been too distracted in the moment to express. Lying here now in post-coital bliss, his mind was clear and it seemed like the perfect time.

“Hey. I’ve been thinking about something.”

“What is it?”

“How do you feel about us swapping positions?”

“Swapping positions?”

“Yep, me on top and you on the bottom. I want to try it out.”

He smiled with satisfaction as Akira stiffened in his arms slightly.

“OK” Akira responded eventually with a small nod.

“OK? That’s it? You’re not gonna tell me how excited you are?”

When Akira didn’t respond, Rin decided to probe further.

“Don’t tell me I’ve finally managed to embarrass you?”

Akira freed himself of his arms at that, sitting upright suddenly with his back to Rin.

Rin laughed at Akira's reaction, sitting up and snaking his arm around Akira’s middle.

He ran his hand down Akira's stomach, relishing the way Akira's body instinctively twitched at the contact.

"How about you get on top of me?" Rin asked in a voice just above a whisper.

*

As time wore on, Rin found himself sleeping through the night more and more easily. In the beginning, he would often wake with a jolt, instantly alert and suspicious of the proximity of the person next to him. On more than one occasion he had jerked out of the bed, stirring Akira, who didn’t chastise him but didn’t coddle him either.

Then there were the dreams. Those varied. Sometimes it was a memory or something similar - close enough that it could have been real.

In some of them, he would see his teammates. His friends. He would see his shoes covered in their blood, see their contorted bodies, faces twisted in pain. His mind found ways to replay their final moments over and over, distorting the imagery in horrifying new ways so he still woke up shaking no matter how many years passed.

He would see Kazui. Sometimes in the dreams, Rin knew something was wrong. He would be going in to give Kazui a final hug because he knew on some level he wouldn’t see him again. Those dreams were almost easier. The ones that really hurt were the ones where he and Kazui were reunited. They could be taking a walk, whispering, play-fighting, just laying side by side, staring at the stars. When he woke up on those nights, he would curl up against Akira in the darkness, clinging to him as he waited for his guilt to subside.

No matter the form of his dreams - all roads lead back to the same cause. The dark spectre of his brother haunted him, whether in the form of reliving his ultimate betrayal, or a retelling of their final encounter. Some dreams were tinged with blood, with pain fuelled by the anger and resentment he had held onto for so many years.

They weren’t all nightmares though. Sometimes he would have visions of them in their childhood, memories of simpler times. Those dreams were the ones where Rin forgot - he forgot about Kazui and the rest of his friends. He forgot about Toshima. He forgot about the image of his brother kneeling in the rain the last time he saw him. Those were the worst dreams because when he woke up, Rin would remember.

After his parents died, Shiki had become the most important person to him. Rin had taken Shiki’s life in order to be free of him, but he had always been bonded to Shiki. Killing him had made sure he always would be.

It took a very long time for Rin to start speaking about his dreams. He had been dealing with them on his own for so long, it almost didn’t feel right to express them. A large part of it was guilt though, towards Akira this time. In a way, admitting that he still carried these scars almost felt like admitting that he had made the wrong decision. He had left Akira to put an end to all of this, so they could start a future together. He worried about what Akira would think if he knew that he was still carrying his past.

Rin woke up with a jolt one night. He had been dreaming that he was following Shiki down a long hallway but hadn’t managed to reach him. He realised he could feel Akira towering next to him. His eyes were still adjusting to the darkness, but he could tell Akira was looking at him.

“What is it?” Rin asked quietly.

“You were moving around a lot. Seemed like you were having a bad dream.”

Rin lay there for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts. Akira didn’t probe any further but he kept his attention fixed on Rin, as if to say he was there if Rin needed him. After a long while, Rin spoke.

“It was about my brother.”

*

For Rin’s 24th birthday, Akira gave him a camera. It was a digital camera, different to the one he had in Toshima. Smaller. Lighter. His old camera had gotten lost somewhere in all of the pandemonium, he wasn’t quite sure when. When Rin initially realised his camera was gone he was crushed, but in a way it felt like a fitting end.

“I know it can’t replace the one you lost. But I thought you might want a new one. Maybe you can start taking photos again.” Akira said as he placed the camera into Rin’s outstretched hands.

Rin looked down at the camera for a long time without speaking. He felt a pressure building in his chest as memories started to flood his mind, along with faces from the past. He could sense Akira’s uncertainty, prompted by his own silence. He looked up and smiled at Akira, trying to non-verbally reassure him and he could see Akira’s eyes soften as he did.

The first thing Rin did after charging it was take a picture of Akira. A candid one, as he stood leaning against the sink, sipping a glass of water. Candid photos had always been Rin’s favourite. He had taken his camera everywhere back then and there had been hundreds of photos of himself and all his friends - drinking, playing games, battling.

He had taken countless photos of Kazui too - sleeping, eating, laughing, even a few in the shower. Intimate moments that he wanted to turn into a piece of forever. The photos told him a story every time he looked at them, a memory he would otherwise have forgotten. He had looked at them so many times when he was hunting Shiki that the images were burned in his brain, warped with feelings of bitterness and regret.

It had taken him a long time to realise that photos never manage to tell the whole story. They are snapshots, bite sized pieces of time used to form an incomplete impression of a person. Of a relationship. There were no pictures of how much it had hurt when Kazui first suggested they keep their relationship a secret. Or of Shiki showing him the right way to hold a sword or, helping Rin to his feet the first time they duelled.

“I don’t know how many hours I must have spent everyday looking over old photos back then” Rin said, after checking the photo of Akira briefly.

“I remember how angry you got the first time I looked at one of your photos.”

“Did I? I don’t even remember that” Rin said with a small smile. “You know, when I lost my camera, I felt like I lost all my memories with it too. But memories last longer than a photo ever could. And you don’t really forget people that are important to you. Good or bad. I think I realise that now.”

Akira nodded wistfully.

“I think so too.”

Rin walked towards Akira and standing next to him, took a picture of the two of them. He realised as he did that he couldn't quite remember the last happy moment he had captured.

Rin knew that without Akira, he would have been lost to the past, lost to his grief and engulfed in his anger. He wouldn’t be standing here right now. In all likelihood, he wouldn’t have been standing anywhere.

Rin opened the camera's gallery, still standing close enough to Akira that their shoulders touched. He smiled as their image appeared, the two of them, side by side. Akira looking mildly exasperated and Rin smiling, a smile that actually reached his eyes.

“What was that for?” Akira asked.

“I’m making new memories.” Rin said simply.

It took Rin a few years to get completely comfortable with the balance of the past and the future. He and Akira had been moulded by their pasts. Scarred by them. Haunted by them. He and Akira both knew very well the pain of losing the person closest to them.

Over time, Akira started to tell stories about Keisuke - anecdotes from their childhood or from when Akira started to emerge on the Blaster circuits. Eventually, Rin could even tell Akira stories about his friends, about Kazui without feeling guilty. If Akira ever felt threatened by Rin reminiscing he never showed it. Akira was always there to listen, never to judge and for that, Rin was grateful.

The burden of their five year separation weighed less as each year passed. Looking back on it, Rin realised what he had hoped all along. That five years was nothing next to the life that Akira had given to him. That it was nothing compared to the life they had made for themselves.

He had always thought that he needed to fully let go of his past to secure his future. He realised now that his future was that much brighter when he compared it to the darkness he had left behind. There was never going to be one thing that would undo all of the pain of his past but maybe he didn’t need that anymore. Letting go of his past didn’t mean simply forgetting. It meant allowing himself to be free, to love - to love Akira and to love himself. And that was just what he intended to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Purely because Rin x Akira are a criminally underrated pairing that I love.


End file.
